talking to myself. . .single mom ramblings. . . .

putting up with myself

2010-09-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to go for it, and start the food blog. Shameless plug: www.putupwithme.com

My little one doesn't understand why we can't just eat dinner anymore. "Mommy, why are you taking pictures of all the food?" I'm having a great time putting it together. It makes me more aware of the things I do in creating our menu each day.

Tonight I made tomato jam, which I'll post on "put up with me" soon. The whole time I was cooking, O kept asking me what it was, and I'd say, "Mommy's making tomato jam!" and he'd make the "ew" face and say, "I don't LIKE tomato jam, Mommy."

When it was finished cooking, I was tasting it from a spoon and he asked what it was. I told him simply, "jam" and he wanted to try it. He proceeded to eat three spoonfuls of it and would have eaten more if I had allowed. I said, "Do you know what kind of jam that is? It's tomato!" He was totally shocked.

This is the fun part of parenting. Opening your child's eyes to something new, and finding creative ways to introduce them to the world around them. Did I lie to him? Well, if you consider omission of the truth lying, then yes. BUT, I think it's worth that little omission, because now he knows he loves tomato jam. How many three year olds do you know that will eat tomato jam?

A particularly ironic post

2010-09-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

This blog post is about me deciding whether or not to start another blog. I've been toying with the idea of beginning a food blog. It would really be more of a food/canning/mom/portland type blog. I feel like I do some fun stuff that other people might find interesting...

However, unlike this blog, that no one reads, and I barely keep up with... the "new" blog would need to be more of a commitment on my part and I just don't know if I can hack it. Ya know?

A friend of mine just started a food blog and I see from her experience that it's a lot of work.

The thing is... I have lots of food related wisdom, experiences, calamities etc. to share with the world... Now to just decide what to name the darn thing.

Sigh.

the art of the upsell

2010-07-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

At work, I need to upsell. This isn't objectionable to me, because everything we have to offer, I feel like really helps people, however, I struggle with it because of the stigma associated with that word.
I was talking to someone the other day and he asked, "are you upselling me right now?". My answer was simple, "yes, for your own good."

The same scenario applies in my home life as well. My son may not ask, "Mom, are you upselling me?" when I try to convince him that asparagus is the real treat, not the gummy bears he wants, or when I "trick" him into cleaning up his toys. But I've learned that upselling him on the things that are good for him is a lot of what parenting is about at this age.

Three year olds can not be reasoned with rationally. But, you can convince them that this shiny object is shinier than all the other shiny objects, even if it might require them to (insert household chore/task/favor here).

One day, he'll be using those tactics on me to convince me to let him stay out later, go to whatever concert, have whatever video game system etc. and I'll know he learned it from the best!

The Road ... less traveled

2010-07-09T22:34:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I watched "The Road", the movie adaptation of Cormack McCarthy's novel. I read the book a few years ago and found it intensely moving. The movie version was moving, and much more grotesque. I think that my mind wouldn't allow me to truly explore the brutal truth of what the book was about fully when I was reading it.
It (the movie) stirred in me some pretty primal feelings. I thought about my son, and how I would do literally anything to keep him safe. I would lay in traffic, shoot someone, give up all my earthly possesions, etc and so on. There is no limit to the lengths I would go to, you get the picture.

Then, I thought back to earlier today, when he was misbehaving and I had close to no patience to deal with his shenanigans. It's so easy in the day to day humdrum to forget how important being a parent really is.

From the moment I knew I was going to have a baby, the idea that I am responsible for his life and well being has been incessant in my mind. And yet, I succumb to the stress and fatigue of single parenthood from time to time.

It's nice to get some perspective. Ya know?

In other news, we didn't make the camping trip, as planned. I decided, somewhat last minute, that he wouldn't abide by sleeping in a tent, given his sleep issues in the best of circumstances. As much as it would have been fun for me in theory, the reality is that it would have been a challenge. Next year, when he's a little older, we'll definitely do it.

Not to make this post completely all over the map, it's important to note that my little man is 99% potty trained. It's one of those milestones that you *know* will happen eventually, but in the moment seems sooooooo out of reach. Once it happens, it's amazing how easily you fall into the reliability and predictability of it all. Tonight, for instance, he had gone to bed, then about an hour later, comes to the stairs asking me to "wipe my tush". Turns out he'd pooped and had tried to clean it up on his own (admirable, no doubt), and had made a much bigger mess (I'll spare you the details).

Needless to say, my movie and glass of wine got rudely interrupted.

Tomorrow, is another day... filled with berry picking, parks with fountains and canning. The weekend is a wonderland for us. I don't even mind so much that the laundry has to wait til Monday. :)

notes from the above ground

2010-04-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

Looking back on my life so far, I tend to want to compartmentalize it into events, periods, eras if you will. When I was a child, I was somehow aware, even then, that I was wide eyed with wonder over the world I was living in and how lucky I was to be alive. I felt a need to be one with that world, homogenized in a way. As an adolescent I felt the same wide eyed wonder, however I felt I needed to separate myself. The focus for me then was to be different and I relished how I was "other". During my young adulthood, it was about making a name for myself, figuring out who I was. Most poignant for me, til this day, were my days at Tyler School of Art. My work, which at the time was ME in a very real way, was put under the microscope and analyzed, both by my peers and myself. This was incredibly influential for me in a way that is very much still with me to this day, though making art is something that feels like a distant memory.
Now, as a mother and a career person, my life is very much more mainstream and the idea of being "other" or transforming myself is so much less attainable or appealing. I focus now on being the best possible mom I can be. Part of that is focusing on my career and my family relationships. It's very interesting for me to watch myself (which I try to do in the third person) navigate the ins and outs of my life. I find solace and pride in the most mundane activities. I say mundane, and it sounds as though that's a negative, but in actuality it's quite the opposite. I want to grow vegetables, bake things, create a comfortable/healthy home, help my son develop into an amazing person.
I was noticing today that my face is showing its age, and very soon, it will be all the more apparent that I am no longer a young person. This realization was met with mixed emotions. In a way, I feel like aging is the best adventure ever, and part of me is fighting tooth and nail against this.
My sister was married last week, and it made me so proud of her. At the same time, it reminds me that I am not married, not married. My son has no father. I want more babies, but how will that happen?
This entry was not intended to end on a somewhat sad note, in fact, I was inspired to write this by an overwhelming sense of being present in my life, and happiness in general. Consider this my public statement. I am once more (or still) wide eyed with wonder. More to come.

Is that a tent? or are you just happy to see me?

2010-01-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

I booked a camping trip today, for June. Have I ever camped before you ask? Yes, yes I have. The main difference here is that in the past, I camped at the beach, with coolers full of nothing but bottles of booze and baggies full of various other substances... This time, I'll have a cooler full of single serve soymilk, fruit snacks, apples and raisins.
Do I want to go camping? Kinda... Why would I opt to sleep on the ground for two nights? Well, the simple answer is, I think Orion will like it. I want to be the kind of mom that will happily subject herself to mild to moderate discomfort for the sheer pleasure and enjoyment of her child. If Orion had a dad, I'd make him take the kiddo on the camping trip.
I am not afforded that luxury, so I will be shopping for hiking boots, tents and sleeping bags.
Ultimately, I see this as a character building opportunity, in a somewhat controlled environment. Yes, I will be sleeping on the ground, eating non-perishable foods and singing kumbaya. But I'll also be showing my son what it's like to sleep under the stars, and hike through woods and streams and commune with nature.

To Date or Not to Date

2009-12-11T22:53:00.000-08:00

So, I joined a dating website.... against my better judgement. I was convinced by some inadvertent advice from one of my favorite gays. The site is your typical, "indie meets indie" dating site. Lots of hipster, artsy types.
The whole idea freaks me out, to be honest. I know that lots of people find someone through online dating, but I can't really believe I will be one of those people. It goes against my very nature.
The site has introduced me to many types of men... the "let's cyber" guys, the "i want a wife, NOW" guys, the "single dad's looking for mom's" guys... and a random assortment of others.
Some have shown interest, and though I am interested in some, I find it absolutely crippling to reciprocate. How can I open myself up to online dating? Is it possible to be at once strong, guarded and vulnerable?
The question I keep asking myself is, "Am I at the point where I am convinced I won't meet someone "organically"? (p.s. I know I am abusing the "" in this entry)

What I've come to, is that I need to take a leap. Clearly, I am not going to meet anyone in my day to day. I need to open myself up. That said, I can't just let go of my ingrained skepticism, so I'll be choosing VERY carefully.

chugga chugga choo choo

2009-10-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

We're in full autumnal swing! Last year around this time, we had just moved to Oregon and Orion and I were just figuring out our life here. This year, we're celebrating having figured some of that out. We know the best pumpkin patches and the most fun apple orchards, we know where to find the yummiest goodies, and we're taking our pick of the most exciting concerts for kids. This is a good feeling! We're chugging right along.
Orion is almost out of his terrible two's which means that my life isn't quite as stressful, which is great. He's asserting himself, and testing boundaries, but usually we're able to resolve any issue with a calm discussion and he ends up making the right choices most of the time.
Every day, I notice little things that remind me that he is NOT a baby anymore. (most often, this is him actually saying, "I'm not a baby anymore Mommy!") I'm at once thrilled to see his growth and development (it is SO exciting to watch!!) and also a little sad that my baby won't be little forever.
This year, he picked out his Halloween costume (He's going as Thomas the Tank Engine), he has a friend to go trick or treating with, and he is very excited to trick or treat. Last year, we had a great time trick or treating with the Portland Single Parents Group, but Orion really had no idea what was going on.
The challenge now is how to entertain this developing, inquisitive and VERY energetic toddler during a long wet winter spent indoors.
I've made some mental notes of places with indoor play spaces, kids activities and I am hoping there will be some dryish days when we can go hiking, since that is a new favorite past time for the both of us.
I'm exhausted just thinking about all that!
Chugga Chugga...

SINGLE mom

2009-09-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Never has the title "single mom" felt more real and more tangible than it does now. Most of the time, I'm thrilled with my life. I have tons of fun with my son, we do lots of great things. This weekend, I took him fishing! Me! Fishing. Crazy. What's more is that I liked it. I could go fishing all the time. I am feeling like I'm doing a decent job of being mommy and daddy. (so much so that Orion has been calling me "daddy" almost as much as mommy lately).
Even though I love our life, and our time together, I'm feeling lonely. I don't know how to "get out there" or date or any of that. It's been a long time, and I've been focusing so hard on being a good mom, and doing everything for Orion. I just don't know how to do anything for myself.
How does a single professional mom find time to find someone? How can I be available, when I'm not? I'm emotionally ready, but the logistics of dating are really intimidating. Babysitters, time away from my son, fitting dates in to my crazy work schedule... all are obstacles.
Other people do it! Maybe that means I'm doing something wrong? I just don't know any more.

high maintenance

2008-11-02T21:17:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden, my easy going little baby has turned into a high maintenance emotional wreck. The doc says this is pretty typical of his age group. . . but it is wearing me out!! To compensate, I'm cooking alot. . . and baking. He loves to eat soup, so my crock pot has been working hard! I'm planning a bunch of baking experiments for this week because my mom is coming to visit. My mom is not a baker, or a cook. She's all over the other domestic stuff. . . cleaning and rearranging etc. But for some reason even though she has baked nary a cookie in her life, I feel this strange compulsion to be a domestic goddess in her presence. I've got to bake, and have a spotless house, and fresh smelling drapes.
This visit is going to be SO good for my mental health. I've been a single mom since conception, but before moving across the country, I had a huge support system and roommates to help me with the easy stuff. . . the entertaining while dinner is being cooked, the carrying him in for me while I schlep the groceries. . .
I'm really learning now what being a single mom means. I've been alone out here for a few months now and I can't wait for mom to watch the rugrat while I go out for a few hours. I almost hate admitting that I need a break from him, but I do.

I was telling a friend tonight about how I've been trying to deal with the baby's terrible two's. For me, it's all about timing. I need to make sure I have the sippy cup of milk ready before I utter the word "milk". It's imperative that I have binkies in every room and a blankie on each floor. . . and that there is at least one truck within arms reach at all times. There can be no sudden movements. I can't take the trash out or get the mail unless I'm prepared to bring him with me.
All of that exhausts me, but then he does things that make me melt. Tonight I was on the phone with my sister and he started tickling my armpit. and he was cracking up! It was so cute.

Of course it's all worth it and even the meltdowns are all part of his development. I love seeing how he's learning to express himself, even if his favorite way of doing that is by screaming "NO!!" or "MINE!!!" :)

brussel sprouts and evolutions (originally on iheart)

2008-10-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

So tonight, I made brussel sprouts, and the baby ate a whole plateful.
I was so excited, because I love brussel sprouts and I'm always trying to get him to eat the stuff that I love.
Here's the "recipe" (quotations, because I made it up. . . . )

1lb of brussel sprouts (cut the bottoms off and then slice them thin and then let them soak in cool water to get the grit out)
2 or 3 slices of pepper crusted bacon
real maple syrup
olive oil
garlic
sea salt
pepper

I cooked the bacon first, then removed it from the pan and drained most of the grease. Then finely mince the garlic and sautee it in the left over bacon fat and a little bit of olive oil.
Add in the brussel sprouts and sautee them til they're tender. Add about a tablespoon of the maple syrup and keep on the heat.
Right at the end, crumble the bacon and throw it back in and then use a bit of sea salt and cracked pepper.

It's so yummy, seriously.

As I was cooking tonight, I had something of an epiphany. . . . Every time I cook dinner, Orion wants me to hold him. And at this age, he rarely wants me to hold him anymore. Except when I'm cooking dinner or unloading the groceries from the car. . . something that makes it virtually impossible for me to pick him up. This got me thinking. . . .

Evolutionarily speaking, shouldn't kids be programmed to do the opposite? Shouldn't some sort of instinct kick in that says, "Mommy needs to cook dinner so I can eat, I won't scream and cry and get in her way"

But in fact the opposite is true.
It's as though nature has designed parenthood to be as inconvenient as possible. . . logistically speaking.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it just occured to me.

engulfed in seasonal merriment

2008-10-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

I typed that phrase in an email to a friend earlier, and it was sort of a joke, but the more I thought about it, it's really not a joke.

ah. . .

However, that's not really what this blog will be about. . . I am having poop issues. Not my own poop issues, mind you, but the baby's poop.
The problem is that he can't really poop if he has a diaper on. No lie. He tries and tries and nothing happens and then he cries. . . It's awful. So, to solve this problem, I've gotten into the habit of letting him run around with no diaper and then when he seems to want to . . .ya know. . . i run upstairs with him to the bathroom. The sad and sort of embarassing reality is that he most times doesn't make it.

Good thing I've got hardwood floors.

So, I'm faced with a bit of a problem. . . he's only a year and a half and his doctor recommends not trying to potty train for another year. So while I definitely plop him on the potty when it's feasible, it's not something I can really start implementing as the norm for him.

If you had told me two and a half years ago that my blog would be about baby poop I would have laughed in your face.
and so it goes. . .

Fall. . . . in love

2008-10-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm obsessed with it being fall. . . I don't know what it is. I've hung Indian corn, I'm lighting pumpkin pie candles, I want to swear scarves. . . etc etc.

I think now that I'm a mom. . . everything seems cooler. Christmas seems whimsical again. . . fall is wholesome and crisp and exciting again. We're going to pumpkin farms, apple tastings, farmers markets etc.

I don't bake pies, but I'm even considering making an apple or pumpkin or sweet potato pie. . . or maybe all three!! or pecan pie!

Dishes featuring root vegetables are looking really appealing. . .

Pretty soon I'll be making baby scarecrows out of outgrown baby clothes and weaving wreathes out of things. . .

If you see me making any sort of clothing out of corn husks. . . please stop me.

Viva la Autumn!

chasing pumpkins

2008-10-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

Today, I took the baby to a pumpkin farm. . . and it was great. We had a ton of fun up til the very end, when he started getting cranky.
So, we're walking to the car. . . he's in the wagon with the pumpkins. . . and I can't find the car.
I ended up dragging him and the pumpkins around in the wagon for like ten minutes and he's getting more and more antsy as time goes on and I'm losing my cool.
Finally, we get to the end of one of the rows, and I go to turn the wagon around and it spins out, falls over, and the baby and the pumpkins fall into the gravel parking lot. . . the smaller of the pumpkins hits him in the head and the big one goes rolling off down the driveway, out of my view.
So I've got a screaming baby, a toppled wagon, and one less pumpkin, and still no car.

At this point, I really lost my cool. And all I could think of was how much easier it would have been in that situation if I wasn't alone. If there was someone who could have gone running after the renegade pumpkin while I'm comforting the baby. . . or vice versa. . . or someone who could have walked around the parking lot til we found the car instead of dragging the wagon around the whole time. . .

It's times like that where it bothers me. The whole day up to that point had been great!

So finally, I get us to the car. . . and then we were fine. . . and then I got the idea to go drive along the driveway to see if I could find our pumpkin (we paid for it after all!!) and see if it wasn't too badly damaged. And I found it!! I felt so triumphant! I found it, and it was in tact. It was such a mommy moment. . . even though he wasn't even sad about the pumpkin. . . if I hadn't been able to get it back I would have felt like I didn't "win" or whatever.
The pumpkin did not defeat me!!

It's the little things in life that make me happy :)

thai food for 100 people

2008-10-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

I have been musing lately about the heirarchy in the workplace. . .
When I was entry level I worked my ASS off. Stayed late, came in early, worked through lunch all just to keep up with the ridiculous pace of the job.

When I moved to middle management, I worked a little less, but the work I did held more weight. I made less decisions, but the ones that I made mattered more and required more ownership. If I fucked it up, then I did. . . and there was no way I could hide it.

Now that I'm upper management, I feel like I do a lot of talking and listening, and not a ton of "doing". I get to decide when I go in, when I work from home, what the priorities are for the department, etc.

Today, I had to decide what we should have for free lunch. . . my decision? Thai food, for 100 people. Then I got to decide which pad thai and which curries and how spicy. . .
Right before that, I had to decide whether or not to fire someone.

Crazy!! How do you go from Tofu Penang curry to terminating someone's employment!?!

What's also interesting is that in my head, I am just me, and that's all. . . but to my employees, I'm their boss. They don't kiss my butt, but they definitely are nicer to me than they probably would be otherwise.
To be honest, it's a sweet deal. I feel like I earned this, but at the same time, I feel like I must be the luckiest gal ever to have been at the right place at the right time.

VP debate

2008-10-02T21:32:00.001-07:00

For as "middle of the road" as the debate seemed, there is still alot to say. (Thanks Clare for getting us started!!)Firstly, Sarah Palin didn't have a Tina Fey moment (which was kind of a bummer for me), but she was so rehearsed. Sure, she was well prepared, but only because she was memorizing note cards for the last week. I don't think she deserves any credit whatsoever for being "informed". No one is patting Obama or Biden or even McCain for that matter on the back for actually knowing something!! (come on people. . . ) In the moment, if an acute situation arose, she would have NO idea what to do. She's such a cheerleader, memorizing the chants and repeating them over and over. I'm sick of hearing her regurgitating McCain's rhetoric. I'd love to hear her say something that sounds like it might have been her own original idea. The only time I even remotely saw that in her was when she was talking about education and it sounded like she didnt have it memorized word for word.Biden, I thought, had a great opportunity to let his experience and knowledge shine, and I thought he really did that. He avoided attacking her personally. . . didn't mention her lack of foreign policy experience, didn't make it about her as a person. I loved the whole exchange about gay marriage and how Biden laid out the Obama/Biden policy for equal constitutional rights for gay couples, and then when the moderator asked Palin if she agreed and she totally avoided the question. My only real complaint about Biden is that fact that he doesn't have the charm that really gets through to the folks who might not really get into the heavy political issues. Although, I loved how he let down his guard a little when he talked about his family.

talking to myself. . .

2008-09-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

I picked this title, because I'm sure I'll be using this blog as a journal, more than anything else.
I have a feeling that it'll be a lot of word vomit, and venting. Or being super excited about something. . .
Of course, now that I got this set up, I don't have anything to say, so more later!