putting up with myself

So, I decided to go for it, and start the food blog. Shameless plug: www.putupwithme.com

My little one doesn't understand why we can't just eat dinner anymore. "Mommy, why are you taking pictures of all the food?" I'm having a great time putting it together. It makes me more aware of the things I do in creating our menu each day.

Tonight I made tomato jam, which I'll post on "put up with me" soon. The whole time I was cooking, O kept asking me what it was, and I'd say, "Mommy's making tomato jam!" and he'd make the "ew" face and say, "I don't LIKE tomato jam, Mommy."

When it was finished cooking, I was tasting it from a spoon and he asked what it was. I told him simply, "jam" and he wanted to try it. He proceeded to eat three spoonfuls of it and would have eaten more if I had allowed. I said, "Do you know what kind of jam that is? It's tomato!" He was totally shocked.

This is the fun part of parenting. Opening your child's eyes to something new, and finding creative ways to introduce them to the world around them. Did I lie to him? Well, if you consider omission of the truth lying, then yes. BUT, I think it's worth that little omission, because now he knows he loves tomato jam. How many three year olds do you know that will eat tomato jam?

A particularly ironic post

This blog post is about me deciding whether or not to start another blog. I've been toying with the idea of beginning a food blog. It would really be more of a food/canning/mom/portland type blog. I feel like I do some fun stuff that other people might find interesting...

However, unlike this blog, that no one reads, and I barely keep up with... the "new" blog would need to be more of a commitment on my part and I just don't know if I can hack it. Ya know?

A friend of mine just started a food blog and I see from her experience that it's a lot of work.


The thing is... I have lots of food related wisdom, experiences, calamities etc. to share with the world... Now to just decide what to name the darn thing.

Sigh.

the art of the upsell

At work, I need to upsell. This isn't objectionable to me, because everything we have to offer, I feel like really helps people, however, I struggle with it because of the stigma associated with that word.
I was talking to someone the other day and he asked, "are you upselling me right now?". My answer was simple, "yes, for your own good."

The same scenario applies in my home life as well. My son may not ask, "Mom, are you upselling me?" when I try to convince him that asparagus is the real treat, not the gummy bears he wants, or when I "trick" him into cleaning up his toys. But I've learned that upselling him on the things that are good for him is a lot of what parenting is about at this age.

Three year olds can not be reasoned with rationally. But, you can convince them that this shiny object is shinier than all the other shiny objects, even if it might require them to (insert household chore/task/favor here).

One day, he'll be using those tactics on me to convince me to let him stay out later, go to whatever concert, have whatever video game system etc. and I'll know he learned it from the best!

The Road ... less traveled

Tonight, I watched "The Road", the movie adaptation of Cormack McCarthy's novel. I read the book a few years ago and found it intensely moving. The movie version was moving, and much more grotesque. I think that my mind wouldn't allow me to truly explore the brutal truth of what the book was about fully when I was reading it.
It (the movie) stirred in me some pretty primal feelings. I thought about my son, and how I would do literally anything to keep him safe. I would lay in traffic, shoot someone, give up all my earthly possesions, etc and so on. There is no limit to the lengths I would go to, you get the picture.

Then, I thought back to earlier today, when he was misbehaving and I had close to no patience to deal with his shenanigans. It's so easy in the day to day humdrum to forget how important being a parent really is.

From the moment I knew I was going to have a baby, the idea that I am responsible for his life and well being has been incessant in my mind. And yet, I succumb to the stress and fatigue of single parenthood from time to time.

It's nice to get some perspective. Ya know?

In other news, we didn't make the camping trip, as planned. I decided, somewhat last minute, that he wouldn't abide by sleeping in a tent, given his sleep issues in the best of circumstances. As much as it would have been fun for me in theory, the reality is that it would have been a challenge. Next year, when he's a little older, we'll definitely do it.

Not to make this post completely all over the map, it's important to note that my little man is 99% potty trained. It's one of those milestones that you *know* will happen eventually, but in the moment seems sooooooo out of reach. Once it happens, it's amazing how easily you fall into the reliability and predictability of it all. Tonight, for instance, he had gone to bed, then about an hour later, comes to the stairs asking me to "wipe my tush". Turns out he'd pooped and had tried to clean it up on his own (admirable, no doubt), and had made a much bigger mess (I'll spare you the details).

Needless to say, my movie and glass of wine got rudely interrupted.

Tomorrow, is another day... filled with berry picking, parks with fountains and canning. The weekend is a wonderland for us. I don't even mind so much that the laundry has to wait til Monday. :)

notes from the above ground

Looking back on my life so far, I tend to want to compartmentalize it into events, periods, eras if you will. When I was a child, I was somehow aware, even then, that I was wide eyed with wonder over the world I was living in and how lucky I was to be alive. I felt a need to be one with that world, homogenized in a way. As an adolescent I felt the same wide eyed wonder, however I felt I needed to separate myself. The focus for me then was to be different and I relished how I was "other". During my young adulthood, it was about making a name for myself, figuring out who I was. Most poignant for me, til this day, were my days at Tyler School of Art. My work, which at the time was ME in a very real way, was put under the microscope and analyzed, both by my peers and myself. This was incredibly influential for me in a way that is very much still with me to this day, though making art is something that feels like a distant memory.
Now, as a mother and a career person, my life is very much more mainstream and the idea of being "other" or transforming myself is so much less attainable or appealing. I focus now on being the best possible mom I can be. Part of that is focusing on my career and my family relationships. It's very interesting for me to watch myself (which I try to do in the third person) navigate the ins and outs of my life. I find solace and pride in the most mundane activities. I say mundane, and it sounds as though that's a negative, but in actuality it's quite the opposite. I want to grow vegetables, bake things, create a comfortable/healthy home, help my son develop into an amazing person.
I was noticing today that my face is showing its age, and very soon, it will be all the more apparent that I am no longer a young person. This realization was met with mixed emotions. In a way, I feel like aging is the best adventure ever, and part of me is fighting tooth and nail against this.
My sister was married last week, and it made me so proud of her. At the same time, it reminds me that I am not married, not married. My son has no father. I want more babies, but how will that happen?
This entry was not intended to end on a somewhat sad note, in fact, I was inspired to write this by an overwhelming sense of being present in my life, and happiness in general. Consider this my public statement. I am once more (or still) wide eyed with wonder. More to come.

Is that a tent? or are you just happy to see me?

I booked a camping trip today, for June. Have I ever camped before you ask? Yes, yes I have. The main difference here is that in the past, I camped at the beach, with coolers full of nothing but bottles of booze and baggies full of various other substances... This time, I'll have a cooler full of single serve soymilk, fruit snacks, apples and raisins.
Do I want to go camping? Kinda... Why would I opt to sleep on the ground for two nights? Well, the simple answer is, I think Orion will like it. I want to be the kind of mom that will happily subject herself to mild to moderate discomfort for the sheer pleasure and enjoyment of her child. If Orion had a dad, I'd make him take the kiddo on the camping trip.
I am not afforded that luxury, so I will be shopping for hiking boots, tents and sleeping bags.
Ultimately, I see this as a character building opportunity, in a somewhat controlled environment. Yes, I will be sleeping on the ground, eating non-perishable foods and singing kumbaya. But I'll also be showing my son what it's like to sleep under the stars, and hike through woods and streams and commune with nature.

To Date or Not to Date

So, I joined a dating website.... against my better judgement. I was convinced by some inadvertent advice from one of my favorite gays. The site is your typical, "indie meets indie" dating site. Lots of hipster, artsy types.
The whole idea freaks me out, to be honest. I know that lots of people find someone through online dating, but I can't really believe I will be one of those people. It goes against my very nature.
The site has introduced me to many types of men... the "let's cyber" guys, the "i want a wife, NOW" guys, the "single dad's looking for mom's" guys... and a random assortment of others.
Some have shown interest, and though I am interested in some, I find it absolutely crippling to reciprocate. How can I open myself up to online dating? Is it possible to be at once strong, guarded and vulnerable?
The question I keep asking myself is, "Am I at the point where I am convinced I won't meet someone "organically"? (p.s. I know I am abusing the "" in this entry)


What I've come to, is that I need to take a leap. Clearly, I am not going to meet anyone in my day to day. I need to open myself up. That said, I can't just let go of my ingrained skepticism, so I'll be choosing VERY carefully.