The Road ... less traveled

Tonight, I watched "The Road", the movie adaptation of Cormack McCarthy's novel. I read the book a few years ago and found it intensely moving. The movie version was moving, and much more grotesque. I think that my mind wouldn't allow me to truly explore the brutal truth of what the book was about fully when I was reading it.
It (the movie) stirred in me some pretty primal feelings. I thought about my son, and how I would do literally anything to keep him safe. I would lay in traffic, shoot someone, give up all my earthly possesions, etc and so on. There is no limit to the lengths I would go to, you get the picture.

Then, I thought back to earlier today, when he was misbehaving and I had close to no patience to deal with his shenanigans. It's so easy in the day to day humdrum to forget how important being a parent really is.

From the moment I knew I was going to have a baby, the idea that I am responsible for his life and well being has been incessant in my mind. And yet, I succumb to the stress and fatigue of single parenthood from time to time.

It's nice to get some perspective. Ya know?

In other news, we didn't make the camping trip, as planned. I decided, somewhat last minute, that he wouldn't abide by sleeping in a tent, given his sleep issues in the best of circumstances. As much as it would have been fun for me in theory, the reality is that it would have been a challenge. Next year, when he's a little older, we'll definitely do it.

Not to make this post completely all over the map, it's important to note that my little man is 99% potty trained. It's one of those milestones that you *know* will happen eventually, but in the moment seems sooooooo out of reach. Once it happens, it's amazing how easily you fall into the reliability and predictability of it all. Tonight, for instance, he had gone to bed, then about an hour later, comes to the stairs asking me to "wipe my tush". Turns out he'd pooped and had tried to clean it up on his own (admirable, no doubt), and had made a much bigger mess (I'll spare you the details).

Needless to say, my movie and glass of wine got rudely interrupted.

Tomorrow, is another day... filled with berry picking, parks with fountains and canning. The weekend is a wonderland for us. I don't even mind so much that the laundry has to wait til Monday. :)

notes from the above ground

Looking back on my life so far, I tend to want to compartmentalize it into events, periods, eras if you will. When I was a child, I was somehow aware, even then, that I was wide eyed with wonder over the world I was living in and how lucky I was to be alive. I felt a need to be one with that world, homogenized in a way. As an adolescent I felt the same wide eyed wonder, however I felt I needed to separate myself. The focus for me then was to be different and I relished how I was "other". During my young adulthood, it was about making a name for myself, figuring out who I was. Most poignant for me, til this day, were my days at Tyler School of Art. My work, which at the time was ME in a very real way, was put under the microscope and analyzed, both by my peers and myself. This was incredibly influential for me in a way that is very much still with me to this day, though making art is something that feels like a distant memory.
Now, as a mother and a career person, my life is very much more mainstream and the idea of being "other" or transforming myself is so much less attainable or appealing. I focus now on being the best possible mom I can be. Part of that is focusing on my career and my family relationships. It's very interesting for me to watch myself (which I try to do in the third person) navigate the ins and outs of my life. I find solace and pride in the most mundane activities. I say mundane, and it sounds as though that's a negative, but in actuality it's quite the opposite. I want to grow vegetables, bake things, create a comfortable/healthy home, help my son develop into an amazing person.
I was noticing today that my face is showing its age, and very soon, it will be all the more apparent that I am no longer a young person. This realization was met with mixed emotions. In a way, I feel like aging is the best adventure ever, and part of me is fighting tooth and nail against this.
My sister was married last week, and it made me so proud of her. At the same time, it reminds me that I am not married, not married. My son has no father. I want more babies, but how will that happen?
This entry was not intended to end on a somewhat sad note, in fact, I was inspired to write this by an overwhelming sense of being present in my life, and happiness in general. Consider this my public statement. I am once more (or still) wide eyed with wonder. More to come.

Is that a tent? or are you just happy to see me?

I booked a camping trip today, for June. Have I ever camped before you ask? Yes, yes I have. The main difference here is that in the past, I camped at the beach, with coolers full of nothing but bottles of booze and baggies full of various other substances... This time, I'll have a cooler full of single serve soymilk, fruit snacks, apples and raisins.
Do I want to go camping? Kinda... Why would I opt to sleep on the ground for two nights? Well, the simple answer is, I think Orion will like it. I want to be the kind of mom that will happily subject herself to mild to moderate discomfort for the sheer pleasure and enjoyment of her child. If Orion had a dad, I'd make him take the kiddo on the camping trip.
I am not afforded that luxury, so I will be shopping for hiking boots, tents and sleeping bags.
Ultimately, I see this as a character building opportunity, in a somewhat controlled environment. Yes, I will be sleeping on the ground, eating non-perishable foods and singing kumbaya. But I'll also be showing my son what it's like to sleep under the stars, and hike through woods and streams and commune with nature.

To Date or Not to Date

So, I joined a dating website.... against my better judgement. I was convinced by some inadvertent advice from one of my favorite gays. The site is your typical, "indie meets indie" dating site. Lots of hipster, artsy types.
The whole idea freaks me out, to be honest. I know that lots of people find someone through online dating, but I can't really believe I will be one of those people. It goes against my very nature.
The site has introduced me to many types of men... the "let's cyber" guys, the "i want a wife, NOW" guys, the "single dad's looking for mom's" guys... and a random assortment of others.
Some have shown interest, and though I am interested in some, I find it absolutely crippling to reciprocate. How can I open myself up to online dating? Is it possible to be at once strong, guarded and vulnerable?
The question I keep asking myself is, "Am I at the point where I am convinced I won't meet someone "organically"? (p.s. I know I am abusing the "" in this entry)


What I've come to, is that I need to take a leap. Clearly, I am not going to meet anyone in my day to day. I need to open myself up. That said, I can't just let go of my ingrained skepticism, so I'll be choosing VERY carefully.

chugga chugga choo choo

We're in full autumnal swing! Last year around this time, we had just moved to Oregon and Orion and I were just figuring out our life here. This year, we're celebrating having figured some of that out. We know the best pumpkin patches and the most fun apple orchards, we know where to find the yummiest goodies, and we're taking our pick of the most exciting concerts for kids. This is a good feeling! We're chugging right along.
Orion is almost out of his terrible two's which means that my life isn't quite as stressful, which is great. He's asserting himself, and testing boundaries, but usually we're able to resolve any issue with a calm discussion and he ends up making the right choices most of the time.
Every day, I notice little things that remind me that he is NOT a baby anymore. (most often, this is him actually saying, "I'm not a baby anymore Mommy!") I'm at once thrilled to see his growth and development (it is SO exciting to watch!!) and also a little sad that my baby won't be little forever.
This year, he picked out his Halloween costume (He's going as Thomas the Tank Engine), he has a friend to go trick or treating with, and he is very excited to trick or treat. Last year, we had a great time trick or treating with the Portland Single Parents Group, but Orion really had no idea what was going on.
The challenge now is how to entertain this developing, inquisitive and VERY energetic toddler during a long wet winter spent indoors.
I've made some mental notes of places with indoor play spaces, kids activities and I am hoping there will be some dryish days when we can go hiking, since that is a new favorite past time for the both of us.
I'm exhausted just thinking about all that!
Chugga Chugga...

SINGLE mom

Never has the title "single mom" felt more real and more tangible than it does now. Most of the time, I'm thrilled with my life. I have tons of fun with my son, we do lots of great things. This weekend, I took him fishing! Me! Fishing. Crazy. What's more is that I liked it. I could go fishing all the time. I am feeling like I'm doing a decent job of being mommy and daddy. (so much so that Orion has been calling me "daddy" almost as much as mommy lately).
Even though I love our life, and our time together, I'm feeling lonely. I don't know how to "get out there" or date or any of that. It's been a long time, and I've been focusing so hard on being a good mom, and doing everything for Orion. I just don't know how to do anything for myself.
How does a single professional mom find time to find someone? How can I be available, when I'm not? I'm emotionally ready, but the logistics of dating are really intimidating. Babysitters, time away from my son, fitting dates in to my crazy work schedule... all are obstacles.
Other people do it! Maybe that means I'm doing something wrong? I just don't know any more.

high maintenance

All of a sudden, my easy going little baby has turned into a high maintenance emotional wreck. The doc says this is pretty typical of his age group. . . but it is wearing me out!! To compensate, I'm cooking alot. . . and baking. He loves to eat soup, so my crock pot has been working hard! I'm planning a bunch of baking experiments for this week because my mom is coming to visit. My mom is not a baker, or a cook. She's all over the other domestic stuff. . . cleaning and rearranging etc. But for some reason even though she has baked nary a cookie in her life, I feel this strange compulsion to be a domestic goddess in her presence. I've got to bake, and have a spotless house, and fresh smelling drapes.
This visit is going to be SO good for my mental health. I've been a single mom since conception, but before moving across the country, I had a huge support system and roommates to help me with the easy stuff. . . the entertaining while dinner is being cooked, the carrying him in for me while I schlep the groceries. . .
I'm really learning now what being a single mom means. I've been alone out here for a few months now and I can't wait for mom to watch the rugrat while I go out for a few hours. I almost hate admitting that I need a break from him, but I do.

I was telling a friend tonight about how I've been trying to deal with the baby's terrible two's. For me, it's all about timing. I need to make sure I have the sippy cup of milk ready before I utter the word "milk". It's imperative that I have binkies in every room and a blankie on each floor. . . and that there is at least one truck within arms reach at all times. There can be no sudden movements. I can't take the trash out or get the mail unless I'm prepared to bring him with me.
All of that exhausts me, but then he does things that make me melt. Tonight I was on the phone with my sister and he started tickling my armpit. and he was cracking up! It was so cute.

Of course it's all worth it and even the meltdowns are all part of his development. I love seeing how he's learning to express himself, even if his favorite way of doing that is by screaming "NO!!" or "MINE!!!" :)